Trauma Bonding: Signs, Stages & Recovery

A frustrated woman and an upset man sit on the edge of a couch, the man faces away from the woman

Trauma bonding can influence your emotional responses and attachments and can occur in romantic relationships, friendships and even in familial dynamics, but what exactly is it? 

Understanding Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding occurs when a person develops a strong emotional connection with someone who is abusive, neglectful or causes them harm. This paradoxical attachment often develops through cycles of abuse followed by periods of kindness or remorse from the abuser, creating a powerful emotional bond that is difficult to break.

What is trauma bonding?

Trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse. It happens when the abused person develops sympathy and affection for their abuser as a way to cope with the trauma. This type of bond is similar to the Stockholm syndrome and can occur in various types of relationships.

Why does trauma bonding happen?

The intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates powerful emotional ties. During the abuse, victims may feel powerless, fearful and isolated. But when the abuser shows occasional kindness, the victim often experiences intense relief and gratitude, which further strengthens the bond.

Signs of Trauma Bonding

Recognizing the signs of trauma bonding is the first step towards healing. Here are some of the key indicators:

Justifying abusive behavior

Victims often find themselves defending the abuser’s actions to others and even to themselves. They may minimize the abuse or find excuses for their abuser’s behavior.

Difficulty in leaving the relationship

Despite the abuse, people in a trauma bond may find it extremely difficult to leave the relationship. The fear of losing the emotional connection, even if it is harmful, can be overwhelming.

Emotional dependence

Victims often feel a sense of emotional dependency on their abuser. They may believe that they need the abuser to feel complete or that they will never find someone who understands them as the abuser does.

The 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding

What are the 7 stages of trauma bonding? Understanding the stages of trauma bonding can help victims recognize their situation and begin the process of healing.

Love bombing

The first stage often involves excessive affection, attention and flattery, which can feel intoxicating to the victim. This is known as love bombing, and it lays the groundwork for the bond.

Trust and dependency

As the abuser gains the victim’s trust, the victim becomes increasingly dependent on them for emotional support and validation.

Criticism and devaluation

The abuser begins to criticize and devalue the victim, eroding their self-esteem and increasing their dependence on the abuser’s approval.

Rescuer phase

After episodes of devaluation, the abuser may switch to playing the rescuer, showing kindness and promising change. This reinforces the bond and the victim’s hope for a better relationship.

Walking on eggshells

The victim becomes hyper-aware of the abuser’s moods and behaviors, trying to avoid conflict or anything that might trigger abuse.

Loss of self

Over time, the victim’s sense of self-worth diminishes, and their identity becomes enmeshed with the abuser.

Addiction to the cycle

The victim becomes addicted to the cycle of abuse and kindness, believing that the moments of affection and remorse are signs of true love and hope for change.

How to Break Trauma Bonding

Breaking free from a trauma bond is challenging but possible. Here are steps to begin the journey of recovery.

Acknowledge the reality of the situation

The first step in breaking a trauma bond is to acknowledge the abusive nature of the relationship and the harmful effects it has on your well-being.

Seek support

Reaching out to friends, family or professional therapists can provide the emotional support needed to leave the abusive relationship.

Establish boundaries

Setting clear boundaries with the abuser is crucial. This may involve cutting off communication or seeking legal protection if necessary.

Rebuild self-esteem

Engage in activities and practices that help rebuild your self-worth and independence. This might include therapy, self-care routines or new hobbies.

Educate yourself

Learning about trauma bonding and understanding the psychological mechanisms at play can empower you to make informed decisions about your relationships.

Avoid isolation

Isolation can reinforce trauma bonds. Stay connected with a community or support group that understands what you’re going through.

Develop a safety plan

If you are in danger, develop a safety plan that includes a safe place to stay, emergency contacts and financial independence.

Trauma and Relationships: The Recovery Process

Recovery from trauma bonding involves healing from the trauma and rebuilding a healthy sense of self. Therapy, particularly trauma-informed therapy, can be instrumental in this process.

Trauma-informed therapy

Therapists trained in trauma can help individuals understand the impact of abuse and develop strategies to cope with triggers and painful emotions.

Self-compassion

Learning to be kind and forgiving to oneself is a critical aspect of recovery. Self-compassion can counteract the negative self-talk and shame often associated with trauma bonding.

Healthy relationships

Gradually, as you heal, you will learn to form and maintain healthy relationships based on mutual respect and genuine affection, rather than fear and manipulation.

Get Help To Move Forward

Trauma bonding is a complex and often misunderstood phenomenon that can have a profound impact on your life. Recognizing the signs and stages of trauma bonding is the first step toward breaking free and beginning the journey to recovery.

If you or someone you know is experiencing trauma bonding, know that support is available and recovery is possible. Valley Hospital, located in Phoenix, Arizona, provides inpatient and outpatient programs that can make a difference. Contact us today to talk to our admissions team and get started. 

About Valley Hospital

Valley Hospital is a private psychiatric hospital located in Arizona that specializes in mental health and chemical dependency care. We provide a full continuum of care to meet you where you are and help get you where you need to be. Our core principles are outstanding care, compassionate people and unparalleled services.

We provide a wide range of services with evidence-based treatment methods. These methods have been proven to have positive outcomes for our patients. Some of these services include inpatient, outpatient, women’s mental health program and more. We combine the best clinical techniques with state-of-the-art medical care to create the greatest potential for lasting recovery.

To schedule a no-cost assessment or for more information, please call our main number at 602-926-7904.

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